Welcome aboard Air India flight IC7618 to Delhi

Ever wondered how boarding a flight becomes a different experience every time you're at the airport? New faces every time you check-in. New flight attendants every time you fly. What remains unchanged is the presence of an element that makes the day memorable in a weird way. Nothing out of the ordinary or melodramatic, but just a change, an anomaly that does not fit into the picture.

Up at 5 in the morning, still drowsy, occasional lapses into the unconscious were not a surprise for me. As I dozed off at the airport in anticipation of a happening arousing interest, the idiot box hummed a continuous rant on the success of Delhi-6 as a movie, and the shame brought on Pakistan with the attack on the Lankan players, an unrelenting kid coaxing his mommy and poppy to give him a ride on the trolley bag. A usual early morning scene at the Sardar Vallabhai Patel Ahmedabad Airport one must say. Flights came in, flights took off, anxious airline officials ran looking for the last passenger to board the plane, in short the usual routine at any airport. At 8:15 came the announcement for boarding for IC7618. About time! Now as a young bloke, you kind of have an unexplained desire to see a fresh face amongst the people boarding, just to identify with the presence of that face, and acknowledge you're amongst fellow "kins(wo)men". Unfortunately, my sin was that I booked with Indian Airlines - the airline that flies old businessmen and government officials! As if my drowsy bent back wasn't bad enough, the sight drooped my shoulders too, as I ambled or rather skid my way to the bus to take us to the flight. This is going to be a boring trip - a painful hour and half!

Once aboard, seated in 14 A (I still am confused why after repeatedly asking for an aisle seat I was handed a window seat !!), I placed my guitar into the overhead bin and slid my backpack underneath the seat. Ah, settled in. I do not know if its an inherent Indian thing, or some sort of prejudice oldies have in general against a guy with a guitar and spiked up hair, but I sure became the cynosure of all the Gujju businessmen surrounding me. Venting out their frustration in mumbles and mouthing weird sounding Gujju, they tried adjusting their bulky briefcases pushing and tugging at my guitar. One of them struck a cord - no not the phrase, he literally plucked at one with all the tugging - I had to yell out HEY !! - out of sheer anger - you don't meddle in a "musician's affairs". So what if am still at the stage where I just carry my prized possession around, it still is my ticket into the niche club of talented artists!

After all the greying men had cozied in and let out the initial bursts of laughter greeting each other, the pilot took up his mike and spoke in, clearing his throat. What follows henceforth is a detailed speech made by the pilot - based purely on the way it sounded rather than the way it was written. May William Shakespeare's spirit forgive me for this brutal murder of his language of poetry!

"Heya blokes! Welcome aboard this flight from Amdabad to Deli. The flight is gonna be a lotta fun - oh look the sun's out! Oh boy what a day to be flying - people on the right - look out - there's birds outside !! We-L (yup - that's supposed to be 'we' and then an 'L'), I will be flying you out on this beyoootiful day, and the weather in Deli is bad - hell bad! They got smoke. They got fog. So they got smog. That wat happenin' whe' da smoke hit da fog - make 'em smog! Anyways, we have two aaaxcellent and beyoootiful flight attendants at yor service - please do remember to smile at them and they will make your day - I repeat they will make your day - if you know wha' I mean! *snicker* So sit back my friends as I take you out on this bright day - we should make it in an hour and 15 minutes - but you know it will be 15 more minutes right because we will be going round and round Deli - they never have space for us ! *ha ha heard in the background* Again, don't forget to smile at the two sweethearts attending to your needs today!"

Ok, I understand Air India suffers from a negative image of having middle-aged flight attendants who can scold you if required, but to revamp your image with a pilot who resonates more with a drunkard hippie, and is promoting the flight attendants as if they were in a Bond movie aboard the chartered plane of the villain is absolutely hilarious! His accent hinted at him having grown up in the "hood" or having deep influences from gangsta talk from movies - and that too with Gujju businessmen. One of them signaled to the other that the pilot might have had a shot of vodka in the morning! Ah boy, the hilarity - you should have seen the look on their faces. There I was laughing away to glory on the way he spoke, and there was the poor chap sitting next to me hugging his bag fearful of the kind of hippie who might me flying him to "Deli"!!

The irony lies in the fact that the aircraft was an Airbus 2X2 - something very similar to a chartered plane - there goes the climax for the Bond movie and lovely flight attendants. That is where the fun ended, but I was glad - another flight, another anomaly - mission accomplished. Another feather in the bag of stories grandpa Kshitij is gonna be telling his grandkids 40 years down the line!