Memoirs ..

They say that memories are worth having if they don't make you think of the past. They also say that every memory is unique, and worth treasuring. Why then do we shed a tear when reminiscing of someone lost? Why is it so hard for us to smile at every remembrance? The void haunts us for several nights before we curl up in bed, squirming with an aching tummy wishing it all away. It seems difficult to drive away the demons of solitude and sorrow thinking of the close friend we lost. Depression seems imminent. Life in all its grandeur seems not worth the effort anymore.

I cannot present to anyone the elixir of life, nor can I tell you what the secret is to make yourself immune to such attachment. Yet I sit at my laptop today, trying to figure out for myself and possibly in the process relate to you what life's been about since the 20th of March. It is easy for us as humans to fall into the abyss and be lost in it forever, to hide behind our sorrows and hope that the feeling of guilt and sadness would eventually fade into oblivion. But it is equally hard to derive strength, to be able to accept reality, if not for yourself, then at least for the ones you care about. Denial is what I used to call that feeling. I now realise the difference. It could not have been denial, because the acceptance of never being able to see her again was there, and denial precludes sorrow, but tears had already been shed, how then could this feeling of not knowing how to feel be denial ?!

Uneasy with the inability to explain the drying up of tears, the mind often ventures into the subliminal. For me, denial was followed by indifference as a plausible explanation. But then again, indifference to 'what' exactly? It still was not possible to pin-point the source of such a discomforting explanation, and I thankfully moved onward looking for reasons to believe in. After several phases of calling it ignorance, apathy, shock and what not, all synonyms of 'denial', I sat down on the parapet wall outside my room one evening and looked up towards the sky. I do not know why, but that evening the stars were scattered afar, not close to each other, but spread across the vast canvas of the sky. The sparsity didn't diminish the beauty in any way, but just gave the sky a different look. Being far from each other didn't mean they stopped complementing each other, their twinkle still sparkled and bounced off each other's radiance and as I lay there gazing upwards, I understood.

Not feeling depressed anymore was a good omen, for all I could remember was the good times spent with Ami, the leg-pulling, the camera sessions, the long lectures, the French movie, the hike up the mountain, the tumbling down it ;) The hope of having her in a much better place, and being happy that her life's best year was the last one she had, all came rushing in. Reminiscence of losing someone is worth having if you miss them for the good times spent, rather than crib for the ones you could not. To be able to smile at the fact that by being with them for whatever time you could, you brought a smile to their face and made them feel special, is what makes it worth treasuring every memory. To know that she could not have asked for a better friend during her final moments, to know that she was happy with what she'd become, to know that she saw how beautiful life could be, makes you realise that everyday hundreds of people pass away and only one lucky person is fortunate enough to go with a smile, knowing that they lived life to the T, without any regrets. :)

Remember Ami for her smile, her giggles, her scolding, for that is what made her special. For what good is it to keep memories if they make you think of the past ;)

PS: This post has been possible because of a special friend of mine who made me realise what Ami ought to be remembered for :)