I am not supposed to be doing what I am right now. Blogging, that is. I mean come on, there's not even a fat chance I'll ever start a book let alone complete one that would get me enough moolah to take on an early retirement. The material writers are made of was kind of over by the time the Almighty got to concocting me up from pure gibberish. Just to fool me, and subsequently certain others who still waste time reading my posts, the guy, or girl, for obvious gender equality reasons, up there, gave me a somewhat misplaced sense of puking out words in a manner that appeal to a few.
Why the bitterness you ask? Why not I say. I am not exactly the epitome of optimism as all my friends and family would readily tell you. Hell I can even make you regret life, on your birthday! There are innumerable, if not infinite, topics in this world I can endlessly and most vehemently critique, without any regret or consideration on how that might ruin your take on life and hopes that lay ahead. I won't even put up a false pretense of any sort of penance on my part, I am proud of the way I am. Sure I've been called a cynical asshole once too often before people decide to part ways, but hey, can you blame me with so much shit around? But then again, with all this pent-up bitterness, why do I stand here today, venting out?
Its this city. Mumbai.
I know most of you will rant on and not let me hear the end of how I used to be the greatest advocate ever of the city that never sleeps. There was a time when the Mumbai Tourism Board could have paid me one-tenth of their advertising budget and I would still have marketed this city for free. Those times are bygone. No, don't start assuming and giving me your crap of how the city is too fast paced, how you don't have time to sit back and look at life, how the city infrastructure is frustrating to deal with, or any of the nonsense you have either read in nonsense articles published on glossy weekend supplements of rather inconsequential English dailies or in a wannabe author's lame excuse for a book where he claims to have his hand on the city's pulse. Boohockey, I tell you! You would not believe if I told you I started writing this post on 22nd June, 2011 and could only manage the first paragraph after which several changes took place in life, mostly to lift my spirits, yet here, on 2nd August I sit alone in my room, with probably the last few sips of my Irish whiskey before the empty bottle joins the others in the pit, wondering when did I start despising my life here.
I won't give the entire credit to a loss of direction, not even half a point to a failed love proposition, probably enough to a general feeling of loneliness and inner dissatisfaction, and a huge chunk to reflection and introspection. People want me to be the happy-go-lucky guy around them, a feel good factor, someone they can confide in, to tell them "it'll all be alright". I'm not complaining, I love the job, its like what one of my old, now long lost friend told me "you have a messiah complex". Hubris, she said, will be my final undoing. Possible, but just not yet. Anyway, coming back to the point, trying to be that guy, somewhere down the line I have lost, or rather relinquished the ability to share and confide in others. The failure to communicate or bond with another fellow human has left me in tatters, emotionally and physically. The moment I open my mouth to share, words just stop flowing, my mind goes blank, failing to recognise or even comprehend what it is I wanted to talk about in the first place. Am bordering on nonsense again ain't I? :) Somewhere down the line, in the past two years, I lost myself. Lost the realisation of who I am, where I am, and most of all where I want to be. Preferences no longer hold meaning. Choices seem blurred. Direction seems overwhelming. Inaction is today's order.
Why is Mumbai at fault then? It is not. I still love the city for having introduced me to Prithvi, poetry, the sea, my guitar and so much more I can't thank the city enough. My hatred stems from the realisation it has handed over to me, and a relentless feeling of suffocation, unable to break free from the shackles of a still verdictless life. There is so much I can and could do, why then do I refrain. Where do I conjure the courage and conviction to make something of life, to add value, not even meaning, just plain simple value, to what I do. Like all other days, this day will also pass by with no significant addition to anybody's life. The city's shown me different shades of people. Its made me feel welcome, nestled me in the very heart of Bandra for most of my stay and given me the warmth and protection from most evils people up north are scared of. Yet like all other love-hate relationships, I believe it is time to bid adieu and move on in life, to a new place, a new site, a new affair, a new fight.
Mumbai has and shall remain a city of dreams, as I awake, another one sleeps.
Why the bitterness you ask? Why not I say. I am not exactly the epitome of optimism as all my friends and family would readily tell you. Hell I can even make you regret life, on your birthday! There are innumerable, if not infinite, topics in this world I can endlessly and most vehemently critique, without any regret or consideration on how that might ruin your take on life and hopes that lay ahead. I won't even put up a false pretense of any sort of penance on my part, I am proud of the way I am. Sure I've been called a cynical asshole once too often before people decide to part ways, but hey, can you blame me with so much shit around? But then again, with all this pent-up bitterness, why do I stand here today, venting out?
Its this city. Mumbai.
I know most of you will rant on and not let me hear the end of how I used to be the greatest advocate ever of the city that never sleeps. There was a time when the Mumbai Tourism Board could have paid me one-tenth of their advertising budget and I would still have marketed this city for free. Those times are bygone. No, don't start assuming and giving me your crap of how the city is too fast paced, how you don't have time to sit back and look at life, how the city infrastructure is frustrating to deal with, or any of the nonsense you have either read in nonsense articles published on glossy weekend supplements of rather inconsequential English dailies or in a wannabe author's lame excuse for a book where he claims to have his hand on the city's pulse. Boohockey, I tell you! You would not believe if I told you I started writing this post on 22nd June, 2011 and could only manage the first paragraph after which several changes took place in life, mostly to lift my spirits, yet here, on 2nd August I sit alone in my room, with probably the last few sips of my Irish whiskey before the empty bottle joins the others in the pit, wondering when did I start despising my life here.
I won't give the entire credit to a loss of direction, not even half a point to a failed love proposition, probably enough to a general feeling of loneliness and inner dissatisfaction, and a huge chunk to reflection and introspection. People want me to be the happy-go-lucky guy around them, a feel good factor, someone they can confide in, to tell them "it'll all be alright". I'm not complaining, I love the job, its like what one of my old, now long lost friend told me "you have a messiah complex". Hubris, she said, will be my final undoing. Possible, but just not yet. Anyway, coming back to the point, trying to be that guy, somewhere down the line I have lost, or rather relinquished the ability to share and confide in others. The failure to communicate or bond with another fellow human has left me in tatters, emotionally and physically. The moment I open my mouth to share, words just stop flowing, my mind goes blank, failing to recognise or even comprehend what it is I wanted to talk about in the first place. Am bordering on nonsense again ain't I? :) Somewhere down the line, in the past two years, I lost myself. Lost the realisation of who I am, where I am, and most of all where I want to be. Preferences no longer hold meaning. Choices seem blurred. Direction seems overwhelming. Inaction is today's order.
Why is Mumbai at fault then? It is not. I still love the city for having introduced me to Prithvi, poetry, the sea, my guitar and so much more I can't thank the city enough. My hatred stems from the realisation it has handed over to me, and a relentless feeling of suffocation, unable to break free from the shackles of a still verdictless life. There is so much I can and could do, why then do I refrain. Where do I conjure the courage and conviction to make something of life, to add value, not even meaning, just plain simple value, to what I do. Like all other days, this day will also pass by with no significant addition to anybody's life. The city's shown me different shades of people. Its made me feel welcome, nestled me in the very heart of Bandra for most of my stay and given me the warmth and protection from most evils people up north are scared of. Yet like all other love-hate relationships, I believe it is time to bid adieu and move on in life, to a new place, a new site, a new affair, a new fight.
Mumbai has and shall remain a city of dreams, as I awake, another one sleeps.
3 comments:
good that you put new"Oh just shut up" option.. ..nobody is gonna skip any dancing for your blog you know :P
i'd actually be surprised if anyone even went to tap dancing classes! ;)
WHERE'S THE NEXT BLOG POSSSSSTTT?!?!? X-(
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