The Inner Circle.

Before we have any wisecracks associating this post with the membership card for "Lifestyle" chain of stores, shut up !! This post comes as a direct consequence of an anomaly - a useful lecture from a totally unexpected fraudulent subject. Different holy and spiritual scriptures have defined models for "liberation of the self", be it the Upnishads for Hinduism, teachings from Confucius or the Holy Bible. It might seem tacky at first to deal with the subject on the basis of religion, but consider this preaching more along the lines of philosophy. Though interpretations differ, we realise that the ultimate actualisation is a series of concentric circles, starting with the outer one depicting societal expectations, the middle one as the familial obligations and finally the inner one - self satisfaction.

We often confuse the word "satisfaction" with "success", though in our defense, nobody can really provide an indisputable distinction. I won't foray into discussing the finer points of the dividing line, now will I attempt to define satisfaction. I figure that the concept is subjective and unique to every individual, and it makes more sense for the reader to see this post through that prism of definition personal to him, so that he can refract the message enough to make sense to him. On a lighter note, am not being sexist in using "him", the reality is, I doubt my blog has any feminine avid readers. :)

Multitude of decisions taken during our lifetimes always have to undergo the test against our conscience and practicality, which we naively term as the quest between "the intellect and the heart". Most common amongst these is our career, whether we ought to pursue our dreams, whether we ought to earn enough to fulfill our obligations to people who matter most to us, and loads of other considerations. It becomes so easy to patronise someone to go after their dreams and own up to one's own desires, but when we face that same situation in our own lives, reality comes up with a smack right through the face, the right cheek goes red! It might be easy to act indifferent and forge ahead on the path of familial obligations, and it might be equally easy to put up a bolder front and disregard such sense of guilt and go after something you desire, uncaring about the returns you get. Unfortunately, it is not taking the stance which becomes the problem, it is the consequence of taking that step forward, unknowingly walking into unexplored territory which makes us so conscious of our decisions, and we are wrought into indecision and ambiguity. We lose sight of what makes sense and get tangled in the question of "what am I supposed to do?"

This question spells doom. When you start asking that question to others, realise that you have given up on the possibility of coming up with an answer on your own. It is at this point in time that we need to realise that where we stand now is the Inner Circle - where all that matters is our satisfaction. Neither path is wrong. Neither is correct. It is all a matter of knowing and feeling comfortable with what you do. It is easier said than done. I agree. We may regret in the future, we might smile, for the decisions we took in our present. The key is to understand that we are responsible for our future, yes, but we equally owe it to our present to be worth living as well. Our pursuit for happiness takes so much out of our lives that we end up overlooking the fact that our happiness in the "now" is what projects in the future.

Am not immune to this dilemma, which is what brought me to write here today. My passion is in stark conflict with my obligation, but am not seeking salvation, or the enlightenment to realise the middle path. What am looking for that feeling inside my head that tells me "This is what you wanted, go for it".

D: It is written.

Movies have always influenced our perspectives and train of thought, even if momentarily. The closer we identify with the theme of the movie, the more we tend to "want to" associate our lives with them. It is not necessary that we live through those moments, to have lived through such times, or faced similar problems. I have categorically been against people getting a sudden spike in adrenalin levels leaving the cinema hall and letting it fizzle away over the next couple of days, if not hours. But here I am, justifying something to a similar effect, the only difference is identifying with an underlying theme, something that isn't as obvious as the original screenplay or dialogue delivery. It might sound hypocritical, but it isn't. This post is also my redemption for having written about a couple of bad movies in the past, which is why am violating my oath not to write anything remotely related to the paparazzi anymore.

I guess most of my limited readers would have realised that the movie am talking about is Slumdog Millionaire. Am not going to talk about the movie as I trust the numerous film critics and the free time on their hands to take care of all such stuff and critiques. What I did start thinking about after watching the movie was something more related to our "undying passions". We are never satisfied with the way we are, if passionate about that one thing, we yearn for a simpler life when we would not have to try our best to get what we want, if not, we in turn aspire to be one of those who are devoted to achieving that one thing or fulfilling that one dream in life. Neither of the two are wrong, or right. The difference comes in how we understand the limits to which that passion should rule our lives, whether it is sensible to be singularly devoted to attaining that satisfaction, fulfilling that desire to accomplish what we set out for. What sacrifices are we willing to make? Do we or rather should we expect anything in return for our efforts? Such questions will continue to arouse anxiety amongst people who are all for a cause in life.

Lets say we do not have that singularity in life. We cruise and take life as it comes. Then one fine say we ask ourselves - all of my friends are trying for something or the other, yet I take life as it comes, do I have a direction? If I do not have something to be passionate about, to the extent that I test my limits in achieving it, would I ever know what all I am capable of ? Myriads of questions tumble over once we set our priorities straight. Neither side is immune to the barrage of inquisitions which make us make a mess of our lives.

Then there are a lucky ignorant few who believe that their lives are simple because they have nothing of the sort to bother about as it does not affect them. Little do they realise that life may seem rosy while we have other affectations occupying our attention when we're young and surrounded by friends, but later on when everyone parts ways, you're left alone, stranded. Thinking. And by the time we come up with an answer then or even start pondering, its too late, and way beyond our mid-life crises.

I had a passion, a dream. It got shattered. Now I remain and move in the shadows, pondering, whether it was ever worth having such a devotion to one cause. Do not patronise me, or anyone for that matter with statements like "You should move from one passion to another, not to give up", since a passion is what build up with time, with character. Jamal, in the movie, showed what it meant to be so devoted to that one feeling, how it defined what life meant to him, that the essence of belonging to a higher motive drove him forward, never stopping to even look back for a second on what he left behind or what could have been different. Such is the amazing desperation to fulfill your dream and desire, which I aspire to, and had.

Unfortunately, not everyone can be a Jamal. To all those with the million questions, moving in the dark alleys of subconscious anxiety, welcome. Whatever will be, will be, for it is written. And a Happy New Year to you all.