I do wonder ..

There are moments in life when stagnation gets the better of you and leaves you clueless about what to do next. Nah this ain't gonna be another whine session. I resolved on the 1st to keep the cribbing in abeyance for as long as possible. What then, I do wonder, is the reason for not being regular on this blog. The problem in all probability lies remotely in a dark corner unwilling to express itself for fear of rejection. Come to think of it, these dark corners are what make us fragile - not necessarily in a negative connotation, rather to the effect of being vulnerable to emotions.

I have often found myself caught up in the intensity of the moment - forgetting all that surrounds me - at a Strings concert, when the hoax was uncovered, when I picked my new shirt, the day I presented in Korea. Yet that passionate self fizzles away as soon as the moment's over - what is left behind is a burning cinder - ashen with the remnants of what has passed. A constant reminder of the bliss I felt, the feeling hardly ever stays. Why then, I do wonder, do we get so excited about all this stuff.

I have yearned for so much more than having to study my ass off day in and day out from one of the reputed B schools. The will to be something more than a minting machine, to be able to "spread my wings of imagination" - to quote my poetic self. For most part of my life, it has usually been a struggle to be the best in business - excel at what I get into and give my complete conviction. How then, do I wonder, do I expect to question the purpose of my being if there is not much that really was different.

Crossroads have been an inseparable part of life. A fork has always been there to pain me on the ass - "whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer .. the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune .. or to take arms against a sea of troubles .. and by opposing end them? to die : to sleep". Where do we draw the line between passion and obsession ? Is it a cardinal sin to listen to your heart once in a while and let your conscience take a backseat ? Where then, I do wonder, is that zeal in me that made me memorise this soliloquy by Hamlet to eventually win me a part in the school play?

In all of what I think about, there is a common string that binds 'em to something innate in me. The essence of inquisition never really died down - faded away perhaps - but a revival was always in the offing. I tend not to think of life as a constant learning lesson anymore, and for that I am glad - because in this quest for "knowing" I let a lot of momentary glimpses of 'life' pass me by. When then, I do wonder, will the ethereal effervescence of my mind assume the unfathomed calm of the sea and settle into a cozy nook to spill out the very quintessential zest of life.

Sometimes .. I do wonder ..