Saturday, March 26, 2011

The Good Samaritan

Inflation.  The word seems to have gained popularity and favour with almost every other Indian picking up the newspaper, sipping away tenaciously at his early morning brew.  Rising food prices, global crises, political scams, crumbling infrastructure, errant markets, nothing seems to be going our way.  The common man shifts to page 16 for the business section of the newspaper, to review rates, how has the rupee fared against the dollar, where did the Nifty close, what do research analysts say about FII spending.  In our quest to gain knowledge and therein be able to better equip ourselves in dealing with the feeling of impending doom, we want to cram up all that comes our way.  Discussions over tea breaks, office colleagues, the adjoining shopkeeper, everyone is worried about "inflation".  We are no longer the ignorant populace we once were, blindly believing the nation was on the path to prosperity unconditionally, we get involved, discuss and even participate in the development of policies and opinions that drive this country.

Proud? Elated? Satisfied with the sense of accomplishment and belongingness to a higher meaning than your own measly existence?  While we continue to crib about quadrupling of onion and tomato prices, as we cut down on consumption, choosing to deposit more in the banks, buying more of the yellow metal, there is something that catches my attention everytime I get to a local train station, and yet almost always slips my mind the moment I get out.  As far as I can remember, when I was a kid, clutching onto my mom's hand, toddling out of the temple, my mom passed me a couple of rupee coins, to drop into each of the bowls dangling at the ends of hands that reminded me of decaying carcass on Nat Geo.  Mom has always had the habit of sympathising with beggars, something that moved me early on in my childhood, to the extent I resolved to build a huge palace and keep all the poor and needy in there, serve them, end their sufferings, something my brother doesn't let me hear the end of as he continues laughing at my naivety even to this day.  You could not blame a kid to think the poor people of this world were restricted to the ones he saw in his neighbourhood.  That "noble" thought though no longer a possibility, still survives in a willingness to part with whatever little can be managed in helping those in need.  Now you must be wondering if I am here to show off and brag about how I give back to society.  Alas, I wish I could have written a narcissistic post and not the one am building right now, for it would have spared me the disappointment I have oft suffered when thinking of people as compassionate beings.

I still remember the clank of the coins in their dented containers always changed the mood, if only momentarily, they'd fold their hands in appreciation, smile weakly, and get back to their gloomy faces to wring the next person's conscience in offering them something or the other.  Its been around 15-20 years since.  Salaries have risen, the standard of living affords teenagers to have their own cars, mobile phones have become commonplace, people are moving away towards the countryside into farm houses and bungalows, tomato and onion prices are sky rocketing.  The beggars remain.  That, however, is not the issue of contention.  What bothers me is that when it comes to giving alms, people just froze at the one rupee coin as the standard, probably graduating to a two rupee one just to get into the good books of the Almighty.  A blind woman singing walking down the train compartment attracts 3-4 donations of a rupee each, while a bloke with dismembered limbs dragging himself across the footboard might just get a bonus of an occasional 2-er somewhere in the middle.  Now just think of what all you can buy for a rupee or two in today's world.  We are not talking eclairs or chewing gum here.  It is a question of subsistence, survival.  Drawing a blank?  Consider even if they all pool their money together and come up with a healthy collection of Rs. 100, does that suffice to feed and care for 10 people for a day?

We quarrel and bargain for that extra one rupee with the vegetable vendor, the rickshaw driver, unwilling to part away with it when a beggar swings by, more often than not hiding behind the common excuse of "arre they do not want to work baba!! You don't know these people, they just want it easy and beg!!"  My dear friend, I would like you to live a beggar's life for 10 minutes and show me the easy parts of it.  I am not here to advocate giving or denying alms.  It is a question of individual prudence.  What I do care for is the intention when you give alms.  Don't do it to pacify a misplaced sense of "responsibility" and "pity", drop in a coin and wipe your hands of it; "there my good deed for the day is done".  Think how inconsequential you just made the person feel, how your contribution doesn't do much by way of helping him other than possibly making him believe today just might be different.  Cut loose a 10er and drop it into their container.  Better still, try looking at the contentment on their faces when you get them a chilled ice-cream on a hot scorching day for a meager 5er!

I tend to get carried away when it comes to criticism or cynicism, especially when I get to question the truth behind people's actions.  It was this inquisition that inadvertently led me to question one of the ladies leaving a temple in Mumbai, who after donating a crisp 500 rupee note to the priest asking him to bless her family through some mumbo-jumbo recital, when surrounded by a couple of kids asking for prasad and money shooed them away by throwing a couple of coins in their direction.  Five hundred for something you do not even know exists, or rather just have faith in, and just a couple of coins for something tangible right in front of your eyes?  If only people understood you can't buy your way into heaven, you earn it through the deeds and actions enacted during your mortal existence on the face of this earth, right here, right now.

An action taken for pure sense of personal satisfaction, misconstrued as an act of charity, never has or ever shall make you an ambassador of humanity.

PS: I drew inspiration for this post not half an hour ago when a lady looked at me with contempt as I slipped a 10er into the trembling hands of an old woman begging on the sidewalk.  Bandra still has its anomalies.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

It's too late to apologise

Three years ago, on this very day, was when I made the resolution.  The loss, the hurt, the pinch that day left me with has never ceased to haunt me.  The worst part of losing someone is the resentment you feel afterwards for not being able to tell them the million things you didn't care enough to share while you had the time.  Probably what is worse than the worst is the few things you wished you'd not said or done out of spite.  For her, who has passed on, its of no consequence, but for you, who still has to suffer this materialistic existence, such actions get etched in memory, forever scathing, tormenting, eating away at your conscience day after day.  Why today, then, after three years, am I unearthing things am not particularly proud of?

Having burnt each and every one of my 7 journals, torn to bits the collection of 212 poems I composed, shredded away 10 chapters worth of material I had written for my book, I realise, the only part of me that will survive me is probably this blog, and though its not touched every aspect of my life, it remains true in every word chronicling my transition through various phases of life.  It is not anybody's business to know stuff close and dear to me, yet am sharing with you, dear Reader, a confession that I can no longer hold inside, and deserves to be out in the open.  My purpose is not redemption.  It is not pardon.  I  write today, as penance, for things I have said, and done, those I cannot erase or undo.

In the wake of recent events it struck me, what I resolved never to repeat somehow manifested itself in my attitude, and the bitterness that people now associate as the singular attribute closest to describing me.  My grandma passed away 13 days ago following a cardiac arrest that left her immobile for 2 days before she succumbed in the ICU.  I do not know if it was the helplessness in my dad's voice, the emptiness in my mom's eyes, or the sorrow I saw in my brother's face that made me realise the emptiness within.  My grandma wasn't an angel, nor am I the devil, yet we had a system worked out that kept the friction at bay, in a passive form that didn't disturb the harmony of either's life.  Subsequently, we grew apart, my anger and bitterness towards her manifesting itself in a form of latent hatred driving me to the point of wishing ill for her.  Yet over all these years, my Delhi visits were incomplete without my mom pestering me to go spend some time with her.  Irrespective of what the reasons may have been, respect for the elder, obedience for my mother, a shred of humanity left in me, I invariably ended up obliging my grandma with at least a 30 minute visit.  We never spoke about anything in particular except her endless rant about how she thought the maid was cheating at work, how one of my younger cousins, her favourite, was enjoying tennis and chess classes, or how she wanted me to marry within the "biradari".  I cringed every time I used to go, yet the fact I came always made her happy.  It was on my last trip to Delhi when I decided I'd had enough of the old hag and wanted to put an end to the formality of paying her a visit.  The first time I didn't visit her, turned out to be the last time I had the chance to sit with her, hold her fragile hands in mine and tell her I cared, even if I didn't mean it.  Her passing away hasn't brought me any closer to her, but it has shown me how hollow I've been.  The resentment lies not in my not having shared a warm and caring relationship with her, but in the fact that I let her go with bitterness in my heart and apathy in my actions.  My having been with her would not have mattered, except given her the happiness of having her eldest grandson by her side.  I could not give her even a sense that I cared enough to acknowledge her presence.

I should probably draw this post to a close now, for fear of making it sound like judgement day confessions.  However, as I get ready to shut down my laptop after posting this write-up, I am unable to get myself to let go of the undelivered birthday card with Ami's name on it and a funny limerick, clutched in my hands, one I chose to not post, out of a misplaced sense of prejudice, uncharacteristic of me, corrupted by wrong advice.  Whatever be the reason, the action is for me to own up to, and for such insolence I shall never be able to forgive myself.  It is today, three years hence, that I resolve once again, to not let bitterness get the better of me.  Prejudice is not me, nor will it ever be.

PS: I would not like anyone to post any comments for this post.  Thanks.