There and back again

Its been a long time since I last visited Vienna and yesterday while roaming the same streets I felt like having a deja vu, though believe me the city has transformed a lot from being beautiful to awesome. It just leaves you spellbound with all its marvellous architecture, picturesque surroundings and serene atmosphere. Yet amongst all this 'chehal-pehal' in a city I love, I couldn't stop my heart from ailing as my longing to be in India came as a total surprise to me, considering the fact I despise Indian system so much. One never really understands completely the significance of what one has until sth occurs that devoids you of the thing you always took for granted. I don't mean to sound all mushy now coz I know its a phase that'll soon fade out, but its just that wanting to be in India again - that feeling - was totally alien to me till yesterday. More so coz of the fact that everywhere I turn there's not a familiar Indian face to look at but the strange gestures a few ppl here make when they come across an Asian (God !! when will these ppl ever grow up ;-) )

Am finding it a bit difficult to express my true feelings right now coz am caught up with that same home-sickness which I try to steer clear of every now and then. The ppl here have been really polite and helpful plus I got to make 4 Indian friends all of whom are jovial - not the khadoos sort :P - but still there's a corner of my heart that sinks heavy at the very thought of being so far away from home. It seems like am falling into an abyss and the more I struggle to get out of it, the more I get sucked in and tortured till I give in to the circumstances. Okay am getting off topic here, but still would have loved to enjoy the moment and not have to worry abt India :P I know it sounds a bit silly, but then that's who I am :D

Again bored you all na LOL Don't worry you're gonna get that a lot now that I have an excellent workstation to work on ;-)

I just wanna feel

Am back after a short break, but it seems ages since i visited my blog and scribbled something down. Guess the human fallacy of attention took over my craving for writing for a moment :P Doesn't matter as long as I know that the things I wrote down are a reflection of me and can help me realise what and why I am. Its hardly ever bothered me what the people around me thought of the way I am, but recently such a turn of events has occurred that has forced me into a shell, a sort of protective shield I've built around myself to stay at a distance from the issues rather than being the true me and standing upto them. I don't want to blame any factor for whatever changes have taken place in my life recently, despite knowing how much i hate change. Well a reason I can't blame anything is that one of those changes is a pretty welcome one and I mean when I say 'pretty' ;-) Yet in all this merriment there's a looming disappointment and a strangling tension that tugs at me every now and then. I have disappointed two of my best friends - Pramod and Mani for reasons I never could have dreamt about. Though I don't want to sound like a total arsehole but I guess am not entirely at fault here. And believe me my friends are not at fault AT ALL.

Am at crossroads where the usually decisive me has been torn into indecision because I had always used my logic approach to tackle the problems I faced, but now the situation is different - its about compassion, trust, friendship and lots more. A lot is at stake and I doubt the prowess of my brain to be able to deal with all these variables at once in a structured and defined way. Its a matter of the heart and true emotion, all I ask for is the feeling to know what to do and what not to .... coz I just wanna feel :-) I know I ought not to have taken names but my sense of guilt is driving me raving mad, and its not so much the fact that I did something wrong that makes me guilty but the very fact that both of 'em never expressed any anger or emotion over the matter is what makes me fall into the abyss even further down. I know I may sound a pathetic prick here who didn't value what he has, but had that been so I would never have had the guts to come up with this post in the very first place.

Spineless - I am not - for I know how hard it may be to expect from someone and not get the same in return, yet the very concept of expectation is what defines the strength of the realtionship. I know a lot of people may disagree, however, its my perspective and take on life and I welcome anyone to comment otherwise, though I highly doubt that happening (am not a girl u see ;-) )

I have been rambling on for a long time now, so I guess I shall cease to bore you from here on (lol - you didn't think I was serious did ya ? Will always keep putting you to sleep through my posts :P ). Am feeling a bit down at the moment, couldn't get to speak with any of the friends I tried calling, but nonetheless, at least visited my blog as an excuse :P. Hoping for some comments .... ahh screw it .... not expecting a lot from anyone :D

Blowin' in the wind

Went for a stroll in the evening to enjoy the gentle breeze - a welcome reprieve from the scorching heat :-) But little did I suspect that it'd pose a big Q on my life. Not getting my point na ? :P Don't worry, neither am I ... Okay let me be more obvious - how much is enough, when do we stop and rethink our life - how we live it. My priorities as an engineer had long been set - am no GEEK (and don't you dare laugh Nandu) - but still very square when it comes to academia. No wonder everyone associates us with a rigid head :-( Damn for once wouldn't it be a wonderful change to stop and let things be as they were instead of worrying of every minute detail, am tired of running for my whole life - feel like being free for some time - need a breather badly.

I know if I continue this way I'll end up like one of the nerds whose life's defined by those 9-6 working hours - and I don't want that - it was meant to be so much more and I know that. Still I can never get to grip with the idea of letting go of the run I've been a part of my entire life - its been an integral part of who I am - is it so easy to let go of something you grew up with? It's fine as long as you aren't aware of the things you miss, but it builds a turmoil inside you when you realise that all you really wanted got quashed in your pursue of more material goals. Can't I desire both? Is it too much of an ask?

Would it ever make sense to give up what your brain feeds on for something your heart aches for? Dunno the answer but am sure its somewhere out there - just blowin' in the wind - waiting for someone to guide me to it :-)

Funnily enough :-)

Am a cynic, and to an extent am proud of it :P Its a quality like many others that comes with its pros and cons. I know what you're thinkin' right now - "not all that analytical blah blah again .... gosh make this freak of nature SHUT UP !! " - don't blame ya at all - get psyched out myself :P Anyway, coming to the point, had a horrid experience while leaving Calcutta after finishing my internship - don't lose hope - am not complaining, just read on :-) Got swindled, had to bribe a few greedy arseholes (NO apologies for the foul lang. - who cares - its my blog :P) but all the same felt the usual agony and pain of wanting to throw a tantrum but restraining due to my sense of self-conscience. But this time round, tried something different - a remedy to all the problems - a smile :-) Surprised na? But funnily enough it works - believe me - just smile at whatever happened - and you'll float into the air and look down at it all from a third perspective (the first's mine and the second the other person's) - and see how ridiculous it all seems - the way we agonise and complain on all trivialities when the greater meaning is all hidden in your sense of being alive and enjoying what you have in the moment. A smile can make the hardest of situations seem a piece-of-cake, it can make all misery vanish and replace it with a reason and purpose of existence - the purpose for which we are blessed with feelings - to spread happiness and content even among those who deserve it the least - it gives you a contentment that shows on the grin with which you wake up every morning after that, happy to have made an ocean of difference in someone's life.

How we restrain our mind to wander off into undiscovered territories - how scared are we to explore the unknown. Am not going off-topic, as a matter-of-fact never felt so much at ease writing about something - this has no brains in it - its all from the heart ;-) So just follow my lead and go wherever this article leads you, even if its nowhere why bother? Haven't you ever felt the urge to let go and simply float into space - completely weightless and devoid of any forces pulling at you :-) Ahh can just feel that now - how light, how effervescent, how soothing ....

We must learn in life to let go, the harder you try to hold a fistful of sand, the easier it slides out of your grip - experience, ponder, relate, enjoy, but never fret on what happened ..... the world is yours to explore, you're the measure of your world. Never underestimate your potential - you could mean the world to someone or someone could mean the world to you and whichever way it may be - you are a significant figment of reality and without your happiness the world would never be complete. There's always room for another smile :-)